Repossession

I have had a few things on my mind today, I already had a post edited and ready to be posted but I started to write something else that I want to share today.

Monday was a very lonely day for me even though I was surrounded by people, it was so weird but I felt so heavy. I went to bed on Monday night after a long day travelling, I thought I would just klonk the moment I put my head on my pillow but it was a whole different story. That night was one of the very few times I wanted to call someone to vent and cry, I quickly picked my phone up and started to scroll through my phone book. Even though I have a few great friends that would do so much for me I don’t think I have ever called on them in the middle of the night to just cry and talk. I then realised that I am that person for some people but I never really break down in front of people, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to call someone and say “I need help.”

I then put my phone down, curled myself into a ball and cried myself to sleep. Now, why am I sharing this?

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I’m sharing this because I know they are people out there that are like me, they cannot bring themselves to admit that they are feeling broken. Before we continue, it has nothing to do with the quality of friends I have but this might be the case with other people. I have some amazing friends, very few, that I know if I called would stay up and comfort me. It was such a difficult night and I didn’t go to bed till like half 4.

Last night I decided to watch one of my favourite dramas and I laughed so much, it helped me get my mind off whatever I was going through. Even though whatever is happening is still happening I had a break last night and just laughed, I hadn’t laughed like that in ages. I must admit it did scare me a little because I thought..oh snap what’s going to happen now. I felt even though my laugh was so genuine and I truly enjoyed my night, my laugh was masking so much pain.

My sister then suggested I watched something that she was watching at that time (not because of how I was feeling, I don’t speak much you see)  but I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired. Turned my laptop off and plugged my phone in and went to bed. I woke up this morning with an urge to read but didn’t know what I wanted to read but I knew I wanted to find something that made me laugh like the show I watched last night.

So again the question, why am I sharing this?

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Rather than finding a solution to the issue I keep running away from it and trying to find temporal happiness/enjoyment/good feeling. I finally decided to watch the video my sister suggested, and wow maybe I should have watched it earlier but again I think I watched it at the perfect time.

I watched a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick – “It had to happen.”

It just opened my eyes to the things that have been happening to me. Some because of the bad decisions I have made and some because of other stuff. I can come up with alternative outcomes (shoulda, coulda, woulda), or many reasons as to why some things happened and sometimes even search for reasons why somethings have happened. However in the end it doesn’t matter the reason, what matters is the revelation you get from it.

Revelation is more powerful that reason

Again the question, ‘why am I sharing this?’ Comes up.

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I’m sharing this to let you know that despite whatever hardship you are going through it’s not permanent. Don’t focus too much on what’s happening and why it’s happening, instead continue to remind yourself you are bigger than your problem. Continue to fight back and look for solutions to the problems you are facing and not the reasons you are facing the problems. Bite back harder!

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I know I know, easier said than done right? It is very easy to say but in all honesty, as I am saying this I am still fighting battles and there are days I really want to just give up but my purpose is much bigger and I have to fight back and keep rising.

How bad do you want it? How bad do you want to live? How bad do you want to succeed? How bad do you want peace? How bad to you want happiness?

Answer these questions then put on your armour and go out and take back what is yours, don’t let anyone or anything steal you from you.

God bless

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M.B.C x

You are what??!

I’m celibate, what is the big deal?

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How did you decide to be celibate? Why did you choose to be celibate? Those are some of the common questions asked. In the beginning it started off as me not being in a relationship then quickly turned to a growth journey for me, I’m talking 2 weeks into it lol. I found that as time went by I was figuring myself out and learning to really just love me for who I am. Before we continue let me just give you a bit more of a background of my character. I’m one of those people that once I decide to do something I do it to the fullest, I’m taking about what others would see as extreme lol.

So once I had decided that I was doing this for my personal growth (don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you can’t grow if you are not celibate, it’s just how I decided to do it), I set goals for myself and I made sure to hit them. Every time I would hit a goal I would make sure to tell myself how proud I am of myself and to treat myself. Sounds funny doesn’t it? Treating yourself because you are refraining from sex and what not, but honestly it strengthened me because it made me realise how strong I am and just how great of a catch I am lol. Along with my goals I decided to cut out men in general, like I said I go to the extremes. I decided to give myself one whole year by myself, no relationships…nada! I’m not going to say it was easy but reminding myself why I was doing it helped me out a lot. The hardest months for me were the first 3/4 months. Also weirdly after I had decided to do this there suddenly came a flood of ‘wanna be potentials’ haha. Had to stand there with a fly swatter.

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(JOKES lool).

 

A few months passed and I then learned to enjoy my walk and learn new things about my self, I began to see how much strength was within me. Some people reading this will be like “Is it really that hard?”

Yes and no, yes it is hard because once you have opened up yourself to that it makes it harder to curb especially when you meet someone you are sexually attracted to. No, in the sense that if the reason you are doing it is much stronger than being intimate with someone who you are not certain things will work out with, then to some extent it becomes easy. So in my first year I avoided males in general (not that I was going for females btw…okayyyy.) After a year I thought ‘Damn B, you are stronger than you thought lets try the dating thing again.’ Now I said I would be honest and 1 year passed, got in contact with an ex and everything that I had built burned down and the worst bit is…IT WASN’T WORTH IT! The next few weeks I beat myself up about it and recoiled and slightly started to self destruct but something in me refused to give into anymore temptations. I will gladly say, it is only by God’s grace that I didn’t falter again. I pulled myself back up, told myself it was one mistake and it was time to get back on that horse because my journey had only just began. I dated during this time and was always somewhat open after sometime with the guys I spoke to, and like always there were a few who thought they could change that for me…they failed. There was one close call though…we thank God we dodged that bullet.

I am now in a serious relationship with someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, and when this topic came up I was so sure of my decision (that’s for another post tho…look out for ‘Dating whilst celibate’.) I will say though that because there’s distance between us its easier to control because there is so much sexual attraction which is good for later in our future *wink wink* lol.

Before this gets long and boring I’ll end here for now, but it is not the end of my celibate walk. I will be posting answers to the questions I get in regards to celibacy. As you have all seen from some of my previous posts I am a sexual being but I want to be that and more with my husband and that’s a personal choice, so if you aren’t celibate no condemnations from this end.

Before you decide to be celibate look at the reasons you are doing it, don’t just do it because it is in fashion now. I feel like its now become a trend because many influential people in the media are doing it. It should have a much deeper reason, then you will understand and appreciate the meaning of it and your journey, it’s not just a waiting game.

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M.B.C x

New post tomorrow xx

 

Smoked Mirrors 2 

He stood there staring at her..taking her all in,

She ushers towards the window,

She opens up for him to enter,

She stood there in front of him bare,

Pulled him in wondering why he was there.

Hands still interlocked,

He draws her closer,

He buries his head in her neck,

She lets out a gentle breath,

He knows just how to please her.

They slowly start to gravitate towards her bed,

Mouths now connected,

Feeling each other’s longing,

She starts to tear and he gently wipes her tear away.

His hand over her derrière gripping tighter whilst the kiss deepened,

Her hands round his neck,

He picks her up and walks the rest of the distance to the bed,

Laying her down he places his body on top,

Her hands move to his belt buckle,

Undoing it with such ease yet urgency,

She grabs his shaft,

Elevating his hips she slides them down,

He struggles to kick them off whilst she ripped off his shirt,

They lay there both naked,

Staring in each other’s eyes,

Her eyes slowly expand,

He brings his lips down to hers to suck in her moan as tears drop down her face…

Essence…

She stood staring at herself in the mirror,

Wearing a silk robe,

The material cuddling her chocolate figure,

Tagging at the belt she loosened the robe,

Gently dropping it to the ground taking a step forward to be free of it.

Still staring at the mirror yet now bald,

She began to analyse her body,

Her hands reaching up  into her short coiled hair,

A TWA is what they call it.

She calmly moves her hands over her pronounced forehead,

Thick, not your typical shape eyebrows sitting on top her glimmering eyes,

Her big brow eyes staring back at her,

The type of eyes that pull you in,

Lashes a shiny luxurious black..curled as if she had used a curler.

A pronounced nose,

Thick lips, well outlined something like in the drawings of perfect lips.

She then caresses her ears that she always felt were quite small,

Down to her neck..not as lengthy as she’d like,

The deep of her collar bone enough to hold water,

Her shoulders broader that what she liked on a woman,

Her bosom full but not quite symmetrical,

The root of her body image issues.

She paused…eyes fixed on the one part she loathed,

She mutters under her breath ‘if only they were perfect.’

A tear drops..eyes shut she continues,

She moves her hands with great difficulty,

Placing them gently on her abdomen,

She has a love hate relationship with this area,

She loved her ever flat tummy,

But hated her forever there ‘love handles’.

She slowly continues down to her..her scar so clear,

She smiled at the thought of a memory.

Slightly turning to view her derrière,

A round printed behind,

Prints like a tiger..the beauty of it all,

She adores and embraces her stretch marks,

She carries quite a heavy load.

Hips wide like her mother…she loves that,

Thick strong thighs with a cinnamon glow,

Her calves outstanding,

Her feet dainty yet steady.

Resting her palms that she feels quite big over her chest,

Her love for her fingers indescribable.

One final glimpse of her full body,

She falls in love everyday with who she is despite her imperfections,

She’s perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect…if that makes sense.

She grows to love her body as a whole day by day…

Her essence lies within her.

Smoked Mirrors…

Forehead against the cold glass,

Hands on the pane supporting his weight,

Gaze focused,

He saw honey glistened cocoa skin,

A glow like no other radiating from her being,

Her sonsie body swayed as she moved around the room,

Feet hitting the ground gracefully,

Her delicate flow excited him,

She began to unclothe herself,

Slipping off her clothing as she headed for her bed,

She lay on the cream silk covers, bare.

An eerie feeling washed over her,

She turned to the large window,

Only to behold the face of her ex lover…..

 

M.B.C x

 

 

Secrets…

With a heart forlorn she wanders through all the corners of the earth in search of a place loud yet silent, warm yet cold enough to tickle her spine, full of light and happiness. A place with instruments that produce sounds that make her body ooze with honey as she moves her coffee coloured skin to the beat that whispers softly yet deeply in her ear. She longs for a place like this…


M.B.C x