The ‘HIM’ effect…The End. (Directly to you!)

I-forgive-you-quoteThere was so much going on at that time, so much changing..but you didn’t notice or care. You just thought about you, forgetting what I must have been going through. You didn’t stop to think what state I was in, or maybe that was my fault because I tend to hide how I really feel. I’m not saying I was in love with you but I was content with what we had yet you crushed it so callously like I was some roach that bothered you. I never once asked you for anything, I didn’t ask you for more yet you couldn’t even give me the basic level of respect. It was that night I saw who you really were, wait, maybe that was later. When I heard those words coming out of your mouth, so sharp and cold, like you never knew me. I felt an enormous weight fall on me, I was alone in this. I was stupid to care about your feelings, i came to tell you because I respected you..I felt so stupid. I should have kept silent, just cut off ties with you with no explanation, move town just so that I’d be miles from you, so I wouldn’t see your face.

I went about my way feeling so destroyed, just wanting to self destruct, but I couldn’t because I cared. I took some time to think it over through the night, all that was coming to my head was fear, you were scared I understand. But did you stop to think that I was scared too? Did you stop to think about what was going through my mind? Did you stop to think that your reaction was the most important to me at that time? No you didn’t, you only thought of you. But that’s you right? You come first right? You don’t care about what others are feeling right?

I made my decision, you fired so many fiery darts at me over and over again, never let it rest, made me feel worthless!. You know the more I think about it the more I hate myself because I gave you so much power over me. You spat crass words at me, made me doubt who I was, made me question my morals, made me envisage an act I boldly stand against. What makes it worse was that you did this in the most cordial way possible, that’s what makes my stomach turn.

I gave you my final decision, but I lied. I didn’t carry through i just needed you off my back. You made it worse by believing all the distorted truths people began to feed you. You should have known better, I opened up myself to you, I never once lied to you, I trusted you….and once again in my life I say;

Trust is my greatest foe, I tend to give it too easily.

Tell me one thing though, why is it I dislike you more but yet i still care so much about you? I ask one thing of you…you gave me the greatest pain, you lost me the greatest gift, please let me go and let me live. I’m not saying you are holding on to me, but you are holding on to something, and its blocking me from leaving you behind. At first I didn’t want to be rid of you because you were the only connection I had but now I have fought my demons and I just wish you would make up your mind.

It’s painful every time I see you.

M.B.C x

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