Exhasted

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The last couple of weeks had been so hard and tiring, in every way possible. It was getting to the point I was really just doing things because they needed to be done, they were the normal things for me to do because I had set them that way before. If you read my tweets you will know that I joined a house group at church and the people there are so amazing. However leading up to these horrible two weeks I had, even when I was getting so tired I never once wanted to show it, not to them or to anyone so I did what I do best, I kept it in and pretended everything was okay.

NOT A GOOD DECISION!!

I have been really stressed and most times I didn’t even know why because I was hiding my hurts from so many people that I started to believe the lies that I was okay. Over the years there have been changes in me that many people have noticed but also changes that many haven’t notice because they are so small, but I only recently realised that these are the most important changes. Why? Because then YOU are more aware of yourself. So one of the major changes, I don’t know whether to say its a positive one or a negative one…I mean I personally like it so it must be positive lol…I have become more quiet, and content with my own company. It’s weirded (is that a word?) out a lot of people who had known me before because I was loud and always in a big crowd. Now this really opened my eyes because it was then that I saw that many people didn’t ACTUALLY know me, not even myself. I like my own company, it’s not a bad thing, but when I am put it situations where I need to mingle and be loud I can do that. The mistake I made though, was dismissing the self that likes to be alone majority of the time and becoming a social butterfly, this happened at a really young age so surely it was hard for me to notice right? Right! lol.

I think there’s multiple reasons as to why I have recently just folded myself in and taken off my portable social wings for longer periods of time, however there is one reason that overshadows the rest. Losing trust and confidence in myself…confidence she says? Yes confidence, forget what I put out to you guys and no I’m not talking about confidence in my physical appearance rather I’m speaking mentally/psychologically and even spiritually if we are being totally honest. I made so many bad decisions in the past and gotten myself in stupid situations that I always needed to be bailed out of and bless my mom, she has always bailed me out but at the same time I do feel she finds it hard to understand me. She feels she does, she really does believe she gets me more than I do myself but that’s not the case, however that isn’t a bad thing because its not for her to get or understand but for ME to get. I needed to be the one who understood me more than anyone else but less than God, though many times I didn’t and I passed the baton as if it was someone else’s job.

Me, messing up though was not a door I opened to receive criticism from people especially from the ones that matter most to me, it was just simply that…messing up. Doing thing and getting bailed all the time enabled me to be lazy and always seek assistance. It got to the point I started to doubt myself and my judgements on what was best for me. It started with picking my subjects in A-levels, how I always jumped from one subject to another and if it didn’t fit in my ‘smooth sailing’ plan then it wasn’t for me. It then moved on to my Uni course, I picked my first course because I was told I’m good at maths and sciences and I great at practical tasks. I wasn’t feeling it though, it didn’t stir up the fire I was expecting it to, so I did what I did best I changed course…nothing changed. I was excited for the first month just like my first course but it was all a drag and it wore me out. I just gave up! When I did finally throw in the towel, I prepared myself to get the bashing I always get…reminding me of my past mistakes and how I always mess up and what was wrong with me, am I stupid blah blah blah. It happened so often that my mind and heart became sponge like and began to soak in everything that was said to me about me and I started to believe ‘I was a good for nothing waste of space.’ Hard for you to believe eh, yup I know I hid things well.

This really messed me up and only these last two weeks when I dropped to the bottom again, and almost throwing in my final towel, I realised if I want to live, I need to really really push myself. Some people reading this will be like “What? No she’s always smiling, always full of energy” “she’s got so much going for her” “she’s talented” (not tooting my own horn, if you know me personally then you will know why this is said.) I usually hate when I get excited about something because I knew I was never going to push through with it because I was scared of failing. See not failing in front of myself, I had done that so many times, but I was afraid of failing whilst people were watching as they had never seen this. Yes I went through really hard times and even contemplated suicide (long time ago, nothing to worry about now. I’ll just wait for my time.)

There’s many times I feel like a hypocrite though, because when people come to me for help I tell them ‘Man cannot be an island, you need people around you’ ‘believe in yourself even when others do not’ ‘your opinion of yourself is the most important’ yet I never stuck to those. Just last week I was in bed crying my heart out and asking “Why is it that I can help people but I can’t save myself?” 

I got my answer on Sunday during church service when I was being prayed for.

“You are exhausted!”

I never expected that just these 3 words would hit me the way they did. See I was so focused on making everyone believe I was all right and always wanting to be there for people and helping them out forgetting about myself. I neglected myself so much, I had to hit the bottom again for this to come to me. I was so broken yet I never once showed my brokenness to anyone, I mean I have spoken to a couple of friends about it but not the full extent of the damage, but I always kept a shining exterior for all to see whilst I was crying out for help inside. I was exhausted of holding myself together all the time to save face. Another thing was I was angry at myself, I felt that I had failed myself and most importantly to me…I felt I had failed God. Just last week I was telling someone to forgive themselves first yet I hadn’t done this fully. I thought I had but really I was only fooling myself. On Sunday I had to forgive myself, otherwise I was going to damage myself. I had to pour it all out at is feet and give myself wholly to him, I felt so refreshed after I did this.

8e8bba855e7829e013d4342468a2bddfWhat’s my point in sharing this you say? Well I know they are other people out there like me who can’t seem to dig themselves out of the pits they put themselves in. I’m well aware that not everyone who reads this believes in God, but I do and I say that He really has changed my life and saved me many many many times. If not for Him I would not be here right now that’s for sure. Many times we are always helping other people, tending to their needs forgetting about our own. I urge everyone who reads this to make sometime for yourselves everyday, it’s so important. Don’t neglect yourselves, you are precious being who have a purpose and unless you are 100% your purpose will not be fulfilled. I have told myself I will begin to enjoy life, do the things I love to do and to believe in the choices I make. To not stagger at the sight of failure or danger but to rise above it, to open myself up and not keep in stuff (not necessarily speak to a physical being, for me it’s prayer.)

You are powerful, you are beautiful, you are courageous, you are blessed, you are loved, you have a peaceful mind.

M.B.C. x

 

 

 

 

Why I write

jurnalI was inspired to write this after reading a post of one of the bloggers I follow, who is absolutely inspirational may I add. She wrote about why she began to write and why she still writes. The more I read, I began to ask myself the same question, Why do I write? I have been wanting to write this for quite some time now but I couldn’t bring myself to doing it because when I think about why I do write I find myself in a strange place.

So here it goes, let me tell you exactly why I write.

I write to escape, when I write I go to a space where no one knows. I feel at ease there because I don’t have to hide, it’s not so much a physical place but obviously a certain physical setting does aid. Here I am totally open in every way possible, it’s refreshing yet sometimes lonely. I write to release repressed emotions, I’m not so good at talking about my problems or what is going on in my life so I turn to writing. If I am struggling, I tend to turn to writing because it offers me solace, it allows me to clear my mind temporarily to allow for space to find logical solutions to the problems. I write to communicate, because I am not so great at talking about things, writing is the best way of communication for me. I am able to get everything I wish to say out not missing anything, though I must admit it is often misunderstood. I write to express myself, it’s kind of the only authentic representation of my state of mind. I find that my writing is kinda maze like though, you need to read it more than once to fully understand what is going through my mind, that is of course if you are trying to figure me out. Writing is like my chosen method of speech. I also write to heal. My writing is sometimes a conversation between my conscious being and my subconscious.

My writing is a personal written representation of my inner most being.

M.B.C x

The ‘HIM’ effect…The End. (Directly to you!)

I-forgive-you-quoteThere was so much going on at that time, so much changing..but you didn’t notice or care. You just thought about you, forgetting what I must have been going through. You didn’t stop to think what state I was in, or maybe that was my fault because I tend to hide how I really feel. I’m not saying I was in love with you but I was content with what we had yet you crushed it so callously like I was some roach that bothered you. I never once asked you for anything, I didn’t ask you for more yet you couldn’t even give me the basic level of respect. It was that night I saw who you really were, wait, maybe that was later. When I heard those words coming out of your mouth, so sharp and cold, like you never knew me. I felt an enormous weight fall on me, I was alone in this. I was stupid to care about your feelings, i came to tell you because I respected you..I felt so stupid. I should have kept silent, just cut off ties with you with no explanation, move town just so that I’d be miles from you, so I wouldn’t see your face.

I went about my way feeling so destroyed, just wanting to self destruct, but I couldn’t because I cared. I took some time to think it over through the night, all that was coming to my head was fear, you were scared I understand. But did you stop to think that I was scared too? Did you stop to think about what was going through my mind? Did you stop to think that your reaction was the most important to me at that time? No you didn’t, you only thought of you. But that’s you right? You come first right? You don’t care about what others are feeling right?

I made my decision, you fired so many fiery darts at me over and over again, never let it rest, made me feel worthless!. You know the more I think about it the more I hate myself because I gave you so much power over me. You spat crass words at me, made me doubt who I was, made me question my morals, made me envisage an act I boldly stand against. What makes it worse was that you did this in the most cordial way possible, that’s what makes my stomach turn.

I gave you my final decision, but I lied. I didn’t carry through i just needed you off my back. You made it worse by believing all the distorted truths people began to feed you. You should have known better, I opened up myself to you, I never once lied to you, I trusted you….and once again in my life I say;

Trust is my greatest foe, I tend to give it too easily.

Tell me one thing though, why is it I dislike you more but yet i still care so much about you? I ask one thing of you…you gave me the greatest pain, you lost me the greatest gift, please let me go and let me live. I’m not saying you are holding on to me, but you are holding on to something, and its blocking me from leaving you behind. At first I didn’t want to be rid of you because you were the only connection I had but now I have fought my demons and I just wish you would make up your mind.

It’s painful every time I see you.

M.B.C x

The ‘HIM’ effect – The growth

i_inspirational_quotes_020_4f730d2f5e0a5When we got home, it was weird but I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy from the club. Hmmmm hold on let’s give him a name hey….lets go with Jason. Now it wasn’t because that night was epic and we had such a great time, it was more of a ‘I’ve seen that guy before’ moment. The more i thought about it the more it irked me. Most times when guys say ‘yeah i’ll holla at you’ or ‘holla at me’ i don’t really pay them any mind, and in this situation, nothing was different. So next day came and we were a little hammered in the morning/afternoon, but nothing a little Chinese meal couldn’t get rid of. We decided to take a walk and kinda just roam around, ‘get some fresh air’ i think was the term we used. We had another party that night so we had to go buy a bottle of alcohol, so that was another reason to leave the house. Got our Chinese and bottle in hand, thinking about it now that bottle should have really only represented me and Sandy like she had said (i’ll save that for another post). Got home, munched on some of that good good then jammed for a little. Kinda waiting for the time for us to get ready because we don’t like getting places early or getting ready and sitting there waiting for time to pass by.

PARTYTIME!! So we ready, was raining outside…Bummer! But that wasn’t going to stop us, we called our cab and got a lil lost but found the house in the end…thanks to the birthday boy. So we get in there was pretty empty, but you know how we like to move on ‘black time’, i don’t understand why we so chill about timing you know. Anyhoo, mixed our drinks and started to enjoy the music and all, the company was great, more people came…I must say it was dope! There’s me enjoying my self, moving to the beat…then jab jab in my arm “Ceecee there’s Jason from last night.” So there i am thinking ‘okay so how is that my business??’ I just ignore and move on with enjoying my night. I’ll explain why i did this, even though i was physically attracted to him and also there was something else drawing me to him, i was not about to draw attention to myself for him to notice i was there or whatever for the simple fact that there was nothing happening between us and at that time i just didn’t give a f*&$ whether he was there or wasn’t. So i got on with my night, he got on with his night..i was heavily unaware of how much of a part this person was to play in my life later on. So i kept getting nudged by another friend most of the night trying to get me to pay attention to Jason, but i wasn’t trying to have it. Party done, headed home and munched on a whole bunch of shit early that morning. Slept and when we woke up it was time for Sandy to leave :(, said our ‘see you laters’ and i went back in and klonked!

Fast forward to about a week I should think, maybe two not sure anymore since i have been trying to block out a lot of this period in my life. I had ended up out and happened to bump into him then later received a ‘hey stranger..’ message, yeah you know them ones lol. So boom started talking again and one thing led to another, spent significant amounts of time with this fella. Now I ain’t gonna tell you the ins and outs of this ‘complication’ because that’s for both of us to know but giving a minor outline won’t hurt. One memory that stands out for me is the first time he spent the night at my house, not in the way you guys are probably thinking, weirdly we spoke loads that night and slept. I really like that and till this day I still cherish that moment, only because I believe that’s who he actually is and not this monstrous being he became or maybe that’s what i just want to believe. That night he was so unlike what I imagined, he was quiet to begin with, I had to tell him to feel free and i’m glad he did. That night was the time i told myself, “just let go and go with the flow, don’t expect anything from him, just have fun.” I applied this and went on the ride…a ride that later cost me so much happiness, but funny i don’t regret any of it. I had loads of fun with Jason, laughed and joked a lot.

They are a few things i do regret about that time that i would do different, and its having certain people around me giving me senseless advice that i foolishly followed.

Then in December it all became too real….He gave me the greatest gift ,yet gave me one of my life’s greatest pains, all at the same time.

M.B.C x

*Decided to shorten it because there was too much detail loool…*

A date with my emotions

20141011_190526It’s cold and raining,

A calming aroma fills the space.

The fresh icy breeze softly kissing my chestnut skin,

Robe slightly drooping off my shoulders,

Skin exposed.

Slow music whispering in my ears softly,

I lay there, eyes focused on the ceiling,

Meant to be desolate but I see your face.

Now my heart is open, exposing everything I had so carefully locked up.

With every song, a memory plays in my head,

Befuddled emotions all around the room.

One minute a smile brushes my lips,

Next minute a tag on my tear ducts, eyes start to fog,

Tears start to softly caress my cheeks,

Tears feel so hot against my ice cold skin.

Stifling cries, chest so heavy,

Holding in so much, can I let it out?

Will you judge me?

I know you can’t see me but I’m sure you can feel it.

Can I call you? Will you comfort me?

Can you hold me tight and not let go?

Can you assure me that everything will be alright?

Can you give me back what I lost?

Something so precious and innocent,

Warm and full of love,

Never got the chance to shine…

What did I do? What did you do? What did we do?

It was’t supposed to be so, it was all supposed to be different.

Back to the physical, curled up in a foetal position,

Embracing the last shreds of my innocence,

Or maybe trying to relieve the very pure nature I once possessed.

M.B.C x

The ‘HIM’ effect – The birth

quotes-forgiveness-past-paul-boese-480x480One amazing warm night in October, my best friend and I were celebrating our 21st birthdays together (despite our birthdays being almost a month apart). We hadn’t seen each other for over a year so you can imagine how amazing it was for us to be able to celebrate our big 21 together. Most people would imagine having a massive party or some extravagant trip abroad, now I wont say i didn’t think of that but when my friend told me she would be coming to Brighton to see me…OMG! I was ecstatic. The first thing I did, I kid you not, was scream!!!! I bet my housemates at that time thought i was crazy but mehh oh well I didn’t care at all…my best mate was coming and I hadn’t seen her in over a year and we used to see each other practically everyday.

Back to the story.

It was a Friday and I had lectures that day, so she’d have to come after. The night before I started to prepare everything, I went food shopping (this girl eats LOADS! lol) and just made plans for what we would do the whole weekend. With all that planned, just waited for Friday. Friday went to lectures as boring as ever but the time seemed to be going so fricken slow!! The time finally came when she called me and was like “Ceecee, I’m 2 minutes away!!!” I jumped off my bed run down and waited outside my front door, i know I was excited. She came we hugged and everything, not much catching up to do because we speak regularly and fill each other in on everything. Then night time came!!! We started to get ready and stuff, got our outfits on and make up done then headed out, Got to the club and it was AfroBeats and Dancehall night…PERFECT! Went in, straight to the bar we went..got our drinks and advanced to the dance floor. The music to begin with was good, then it just became dead because he started playing the same shit! After sometime dancing and receiving some weird varied attention (not being cocky, but we looked amazing i must say lol.) They came to tell us to move upstairs because downstairs was closing as there weren’t enough people downstairs…I know, very weird!. Anyhoo went up and did our thing, enjoying our night..the music picked up again.

Now there was this one guy that caught my eye, I mean he was good looking after all, and my friend kept telling me he was checking me out and what not. I chose to ignore it and just get on with my night. On the way to get more drinks, at this point I stopping drinking alcoholic drinks and opted for Red Bull. I was walking past and then this guy (yes the same one) turned to me and I smiled, you know being polite and all lol, and then he pulls closer so he could say something. “If you keep teasing me with that ass, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”  Now this should have been offensive and i would normally not entertain such but the way he said it and how he looked at me after didn’t sound savage like, it actually made me chuckle lol. I laughed and said something i can’t quite remember what, which is weird because i remember everything he said from the moment he first spoke to me, and walked to the bar. With my Red Bull in hand Sandy and I made our way back to the dance floor and started dancing and just enjoying the night really. Then…[yank] I found myself dancing in front of him, with my booty on his crotch and him saying “I warned you” lool, anyhoo I kept on dancing…he had good rhythm 😛 and the convo was good (yes convo…despite the blaring music.)

The night came to an end, we walked out and I ended up giving him my number.

And that was the birth on The ‘HIM’ effect…..

MBC x

Focus on you…

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Hey guys,

So I was supposed to be blogging everyday but have been a little busy, however I have still been writing in my personal journal about how I feel each day.

I have had such a busy weekend, the one just past, had a friends wedding to attend. So there was loads of running around, setting up and putting last minute things in place. It was a very tiring weekend, but an amazing one. I am more than happy to have seen my friend have the day she dreamed of. During this time with keeping busy I found myself not thinking much about my moods as I was in constant work mode.

I traveled back yesterday and boy oh boy the way I was running for trains because I didn’t want to miss church in the evening with the family, which I must admit I was late for because I missed a quick train and really should have just left earlier. To be fair though I was shattered the night before so I think I deserved a lie in. Anyway so I was late but I made it to church and I feel I entered exactly when I needed to. Had a glorious last 40 minutes in church.

Today started off quite well for me as I went to bed really early last night, in relation to my sleep pattern, because I was so tired so managed to wake up and be ready for my day before 8. I was impressed by this I must say, I was ready in an hour! Yay, go me!

Anyhooooo…so back to my day, had my breakfast and went off to do what I needed to do and got the most amazing news today and welcome from my new colleagues, who are totally awesome btw! From the first interview I had they were warm and made me feel really comfortable, which I feel is very important, this in turn allowed me to be comfortable with bringing out my chatty and pleasant personality to the surface. Whoop whoop! So my day today was absolutely bliss and I had no low moments which I am so pleased about.

Anyway so my post is not about my day as such but more about how everything I have been waiting for is just falling into place at the right time. I have been through loads of harsh paths but with so many amazing people by my side and constant prayer and faith, even when i wasn’t motivated, kept me going and I have pulled through. I am making so much progress, mid last week through to today has been good and I have been having really good days. I really think this writing thing is an amazing form of therapy for me. It makes me think and pay more attention to myself unlike other times where I would be busy helping people sort themselves out, which is not a bad thing, but I would forget myself.

I am so tired right now but thought I should share a little something with you guys.

The point I am really trying to get across to you guys, and I hope I have done that in the tired state I am in now, is that no matter what you are going through there is always a solution. You are probably not finding the solution because you are channeling your energies in the wrong places and people. Give sometime to yourself during the day to really focus on you, it makes such a big difference believe me. I spend a lot of time praying and reading to build myself up and this really works for me, but won’t work for everyone else. So find something that works for you and go with that ,you will see so many things going right for you. I will also encourage you, not force you, to pray and find a good bible based church.

Have an amazing night tonight and make tomorrow a great day for you, you control your happiness!

I will be posting up some poetry tomorrow, they are going to be some intense pieces and for those who know me personally, you will be shocked that I write such based on my life. Soooo look forward to that!

Chao!

M.B.C x