The last couple of weeks had been so hard and tiring, in every way possible. It was getting to the point I was really just doing things because they needed to be done, they were the normal things for me to do because I had set them that way before. If you read my tweets you will know that I joined a house group at church and the people there are so amazing. However leading up to these horrible two weeks I had, even when I was getting so tired I never once wanted to show it, not to them or to anyone so I did what I do best, I kept it in and pretended everything was okay.
NOT A GOOD DECISION!!
I have been really stressed and most times I didn’t even know why because I was hiding my hurts from so many people that I started to believe the lies that I was okay. Over the years there have been changes in me that many people have noticed but also changes that many haven’t notice because they are so small, but I only recently realised that these are the most important changes. Why? Because then YOU are more aware of yourself. So one of the major changes, I don’t know whether to say its a positive one or a negative one…I mean I personally like it so it must be positive lol…I have become more quiet, and content with my own company. It’s weirded (is that a word?) out a lot of people who had known me before because I was loud and always in a big crowd. Now this really opened my eyes because it was then that I saw that many people didn’t ACTUALLY know me, not even myself. I like my own company, it’s not a bad thing, but when I am put it situations where I need to mingle and be loud I can do that. The mistake I made though, was dismissing the self that likes to be alone majority of the time and becoming a social butterfly, this happened at a really young age so surely it was hard for me to notice right? Right! lol.
I think there’s multiple reasons as to why I have recently just folded myself in and taken off my portable social wings for longer periods of time, however there is one reason that overshadows the rest. Losing trust and confidence in myself…confidence she says? Yes confidence, forget what I put out to you guys and no I’m not talking about confidence in my physical appearance rather I’m speaking mentally/psychologically and even spiritually if we are being totally honest. I made so many bad decisions in the past and gotten myself in stupid situations that I always needed to be bailed out of and bless my mom, she has always bailed me out but at the same time I do feel she finds it hard to understand me. She feels she does, she really does believe she gets me more than I do myself but that’s not the case, however that isn’t a bad thing because its not for her to get or understand but for ME to get. I needed to be the one who understood me more than anyone else but less than God, though many times I didn’t and I passed the baton as if it was someone else’s job.
Me, messing up though was not a door I opened to receive criticism from people especially from the ones that matter most to me, it was just simply that…messing up. Doing thing and getting bailed all the time enabled me to be lazy and always seek assistance. It got to the point I started to doubt myself and my judgements on what was best for me. It started with picking my subjects in A-levels, how I always jumped from one subject to another and if it didn’t fit in my ‘smooth sailing’ plan then it wasn’t for me. It then moved on to my Uni course, I picked my first course because I was told I’m good at maths and sciences and I great at practical tasks. I wasn’t feeling it though, it didn’t stir up the fire I was expecting it to, so I did what I did best I changed course…nothing changed. I was excited for the first month just like my first course but it was all a drag and it wore me out. I just gave up! When I did finally throw in the towel, I prepared myself to get the bashing I always get…reminding me of my past mistakes and how I always mess up and what was wrong with me, am I stupid blah blah blah. It happened so often that my mind and heart became sponge like and began to soak in everything that was said to me about me and I started to believe ‘I was a good for nothing waste of space.’ Hard for you to believe eh, yup I know I hid things well.
This really messed me up and only these last two weeks when I dropped to the bottom again, and almost throwing in my final towel, I realised if I want to live, I need to really really push myself. Some people reading this will be like “What? No she’s always smiling, always full of energy” “she’s got so much going for her” “she’s talented” (not tooting my own horn, if you know me personally then you will know why this is said.) I usually hate when I get excited about something because I knew I was never going to push through with it because I was scared of failing. See not failing in front of myself, I had done that so many times, but I was afraid of failing whilst people were watching as they had never seen this. Yes I went through really hard times and even contemplated suicide (long time ago, nothing to worry about now. I’ll just wait for my time.)
There’s many times I feel like a hypocrite though, because when people come to me for help I tell them ‘Man cannot be an island, you need people around you’ ‘believe in yourself even when others do not’ ‘your opinion of yourself is the most important’ yet I never stuck to those. Just last week I was in bed crying my heart out and asking “Why is it that I can help people but I can’t save myself?”
I got my answer on Sunday during church service when I was being prayed for.
“You are exhausted!”
I never expected that just these 3 words would hit me the way they did. See I was so focused on making everyone believe I was all right and always wanting to be there for people and helping them out forgetting about myself. I neglected myself so much, I had to hit the bottom again for this to come to me. I was so broken yet I never once showed my brokenness to anyone, I mean I have spoken to a couple of friends about it but not the full extent of the damage, but I always kept a shining exterior for all to see whilst I was crying out for help inside. I was exhausted of holding myself together all the time to save face. Another thing was I was angry at myself, I felt that I had failed myself and most importantly to me…I felt I had failed God. Just last week I was telling someone to forgive themselves first yet I hadn’t done this fully. I thought I had but really I was only fooling myself. On Sunday I had to forgive myself, otherwise I was going to damage myself. I had to pour it all out at is feet and give myself wholly to him, I felt so refreshed after I did this.
What’s my point in sharing this you say? Well I know they are other people out there like me who can’t seem to dig themselves out of the pits they put themselves in. I’m well aware that not everyone who reads this believes in God, but I do and I say that He really has changed my life and saved me many many many times. If not for Him I would not be here right now that’s for sure. Many times we are always helping other people, tending to their needs forgetting about our own. I urge everyone who reads this to make sometime for yourselves everyday, it’s so important. Don’t neglect yourselves, you are precious being who have a purpose and unless you are 100% your purpose will not be fulfilled. I have told myself I will begin to enjoy life, do the things I love to do and to believe in the choices I make. To not stagger at the sight of failure or danger but to rise above it, to open myself up and not keep in stuff (not necessarily speak to a physical being, for me it’s prayer.)
You are powerful, you are beautiful, you are courageous, you are blessed, you are loved, you have a peaceful mind.