Relationships to sextuationships…

33ec1a954440b1f9125acef6dd819393The past posts have been stories about my personal experiences/relationships…this one is a little different. Instead of just writing about events in my life I’m just going off on a semi rant…or maybe I’m not ranting and just thinking out loud, hmmmmm.

I haven’t been in a relationship/situationship/sextuationship for almost a year now and funny enough I feel happier and more whole now than I did when I was ‘seeing’ someone (yes let’s use that word to categorise all relations.) Only those very close to me would know and understand how big of a thing this is for me.

Let’s go back a little in my life for you guys to understand the direction and reason for this post. If you have met me you would know that I am confident, bubbly, always chatting, far from unattractive ( I’m not conceited btw), and talented too…but like many I have dealt with major low self-esteem. I believe not many people would have seen it especially if you were not VERY close to me, I’m not talking about them fake close friendships but friends that actually took the time to know me and are still in my life now. From the age of 16, I have never been ‘not seeing’ someone for more than 2 months. Wait hold up now before you get your fingers out and try counting my peoples lol. In this time I have had serious relationships and not so serious ones.At this point in my life I thought having someone next to me made me better, and I always wanted to be better so I always had someone next to me…even when that person wasn’t adding anything to my life. This post is my personal view by the way, it is in no way telling others how to live. Also some people might be in the exact same position I was in and not happy in whatever relationship/situationship they are having with someone.

When I look back at the relations I have had and listening to some of my friends’ problems, the more I see that ‘relationships’ are progressively becoming sextuationships. It’s crazy how high ‘sex’ is on the relationship ladder, I didn’t see this until I stepped away from this scene. Isn’t it funny how we say we are in relationships yet know so little about our partners…their hurts, their flaws, their strengths, their likes, their hates, their life goals. Yet we know the feel of their breasts, the feel of their asses, the feel of their hands on you, the taste of them, what your kisses do to them and even the feel of their back…their backs people!!!

Take a step back and look at what activities you do when you are together, we spend so much time having sex rather than talking and sharing what’s going on with us or just doing outdoor activities together. Guys you spend so much time squeezing her breasts but if she had to have a lump in her breast would you even know? I mean this is the worst case scenario but still shit like this can happen. Girls if your man was to have a growth in his scrotum would you know? 

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‘Sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex whenever you need it…’

Th other day a very good friend of mine and I had a conversation, one of the only guys who knows EVERYTHING about me, like I can tell this guy anything. We didn’t even plan to speak about this but you know when you get talking, the topic came up and my friend said to me ‘You know, I have never heard you say you need to get some or you want some…are you okay?’ Looooool. Only then did it hit me…’OH SHIT! its been almost a year!’ The more I think about this the more I’m inclined to continue being celibate and going about my business until I find someone I can share minds with, share feelings with and not just physical connections.

That’s enough from me, I have so much to say about this topic and so many questions I want to ask but if I keep going its going to be a mini book lool.

Please people, when reading this do not think I am passing judgement on anyone and what their choices are. If you are truly happy and fulfilled in your relationships that’s amazing, continue doing what you are doing and I wish you more happiness. This is just a personal ‘thinking out loud’ moment.

cute-wink-smiley

M.B.C x

 

The one that got away?? B.A.M

7235ce1a737d16c95a51e3f9efabaea5Have you ever been with someone that you know was right for you but just came at the wrong time, but you know that time will never come back? I mean the time they were right for you, like it would only be if you grew together in multiple areas of your life. However growing apart makes it impossible to be more than friends.

I have…

This one was so unexpected, like I did not go there with the intention of meeting someone who I would come to really like. When I went to Uni there was so much going on inside my big ass head that I didn’t want to really put myself out there and make loads of friends and stuff. I had a friend who I went college with that was my house mate so I was really content with that and plus we had mutual friends so they could come over and visit both of us.

When I was younger I loved a good party or club night (I’m not old by the way just that I started to party at a young age so got tired quick.) When I went to uni I was at that point and I think I still am, where I can go out and have fun but I wouldn’t do it often , it would wear me out. Anyhoo so it was around end of October, if I’m not wrong, when I told myself I’m gonna go out and just have fun. Friday, November 2nd 2012…put on some leggings and a cute top, it was cold! Went clubbing with 2 of my house mates (at the time), I was excited yet somewhat uncomfortable I don’t know why. The night was good, met some of my house mates friends who today for some weird reason hate me lol, not that I did anything to them personally or even gave them attitude…I think this is why I find it hilarious. I tend to be a person who just lives the way I want and in my own way, which is understandable not all would like that. I’m going off the rail now, back to the ‘story.’

This night was very interesting in many ways, 1) there was someone I was, what’s the best word, I can’t find one but yeah there was an insignificant person who tried too many times to make themselves such a significant person in my life. He was such a fool, but so was I lool. 2) it was my first night out in Brighton, checking out the club/party scene…it was rather interesting I must say lol. 3) the main character of this post was present.

Through out the night there was one person’s eyes that kept following me and I wondered why, it was so weird. I mean I’m far from unattractive but that night I wasn’t particularly oozing sexiness,  in my opinion which happens to be the most important to me lol. The music was great, the atmosphere was interesting so I guess I could say I had a good night. The DJ started to slow down the tracks and I knew it was about that time we go get our coats and headed home. Last song I danced to was so good but even though I was dancing with someone, my attention was on someone else. Lights come on and my house mate said she needed the bathroom and went off, this guy then proceeds to call me over with his hand (you know them ‘come over here’ hand gestures) I laughed so hard inside, like I was gonna take myself there kmt. So he then walked up to me, hello’s and conversation went ahead and numbers were exchanged and blah, not going to go into detail of how I ended up giving him my number but it was sure a process lol.

He came over to my house the next day!! lmao and we just chilled really, it was so fun. Some people reading this now are like hmmmm see she gave it easy..eh eh don’t assume the freaky happened! We just talked loads and ate anbam-by-any-means-74284362d talked and talked and watched a movie and talked, and finally slept. He talked me through all his tattoos and how each of them had meaning. Woke up in the morning with him there and his multiple alarms going off (which he never heard he claimed), it was really nice. It was nice because he didn’t push for anything, we did speak about it though. He told me if I was not comfortable he wasn’t going to force me but whatever was to happen he would respect me either way. He wanted more but not right now because he didn’t think he was ready for such commitment, for some weird reason the things he said sounded so sincere or maybe that’s just how I wanted to hear them. He definitely had a different aura from the other guys I had met, he was honest about what he wanted…that was dope!

Days passed, weeks passed we spoke often but lost contact out of the blue. I was pissed because I thought he’s not getting what he wants so he’s bounced. I never once wanted to entertain the though that it could be something else so I just dislike him from a distance and promised myself I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. I even found a rebound right quick, yup the ‘church boy’ from the previous post lool. I was so hurt yo, like only up until a few days ago when I sat and said to myself “You know you gotta free yourself from all this anger and stuff, you gotta forgive all the people that have done you wrong b” Its so weird though that most of this anger was not for the people that stabbed me in the back because I had already done away with that anger, it was for this guy, ‘the him effect’ guy and for an ex that I dated in college lol.

Anyway, so I hadn’t seen this guy anywhere in Brighton, and believe me that was very weird esp considering what he did. Months had passed, exam time had come round studying hard for a course I wasn’t particularly happy with, I didn’t put in my all, I just wanted the year to be over. Was walking to a friend’s, more like a big brother, house to eat I think and BOOM! He was there crossing the road, the first time I had seen him in months…I was relieved that he was okay yet I was fuming eh. The way I just ducked and rushed my friend lol, that day was so funny. It was also the birth of my ‘older brother’ asking me why I had decided to downgrade lmao….thinking about this makes me miss those days lol.

Summer holidays had come, went back home was glad to be out of that place lol. Went to Zambia that year and boy o boy did I not find drama when I got back but that’s a whole different story, ‘the insignificant trying to be significant’ guy tryna wreck my reputation and life pshhhh move over please! lol

Anyway I got back surprise surprise I flunked and had to retake exams from 2 modules lool, which I passed in the end woohoo! So during that time I had to get back to Brighton to attend pre exam lectures and what not, came back and was really just laying low you know, I just wanted peace because I was surrounded by so much unnecessary drama. Casj walking to the shop at the end of my road to pick up a few snacks and what not, there was 2 cars outside the shop playing music and these guys talking and what not, I immediately recognised one voice and just cussed under my breath. Went into the shop got what I went for and attempted to quietly pass these guys and head home, esp after hearing one of them talk about my ‘ass’ when I walked passed the first time. However this time there was only 1 car there and he called out my name and said hi, I froze for a sec then my insides started to burn and my brain got the signal from my heart that I was vex with this guy and I did the most childish thing ever loool. “Ummmm do I know you?” 

It was so bad, immediately I said it my heart was just like ‘B you a fool’ lmao. That wasn’t the most pleasant exchange but whatever I managed to get away from that encounter, the walk home I was really beating myself up because I really wanted to know how he was doing. I got home and messaged him why I did that and that I was really hurt when he just disappeared into thin air and all he said was ‘I understand.’

He didn’t know at that time but he was the only one who could really handle my sass, but he does know now lol. There was a time where I would sit and play out different scenarios of that day but what’s the point of living with ‘what if’. I don’t like having what if’s in my life but he was the biggest one. If you happen to read this, I didn’t mean what I said that day, I can’t tell you face to face, too much pride still lmao. You taught me B.A.M (By Any Means)!

M.B.C x

 

Exhasted

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The last couple of weeks had been so hard and tiring, in every way possible. It was getting to the point I was really just doing things because they needed to be done, they were the normal things for me to do because I had set them that way before. If you read my tweets you will know that I joined a house group at church and the people there are so amazing. However leading up to these horrible two weeks I had, even when I was getting so tired I never once wanted to show it, not to them or to anyone so I did what I do best, I kept it in and pretended everything was okay.

NOT A GOOD DECISION!!

I have been really stressed and most times I didn’t even know why because I was hiding my hurts from so many people that I started to believe the lies that I was okay. Over the years there have been changes in me that many people have noticed but also changes that many haven’t notice because they are so small, but I only recently realised that these are the most important changes. Why? Because then YOU are more aware of yourself. So one of the major changes, I don’t know whether to say its a positive one or a negative one…I mean I personally like it so it must be positive lol…I have become more quiet, and content with my own company. It’s weirded (is that a word?) out a lot of people who had known me before because I was loud and always in a big crowd. Now this really opened my eyes because it was then that I saw that many people didn’t ACTUALLY know me, not even myself. I like my own company, it’s not a bad thing, but when I am put it situations where I need to mingle and be loud I can do that. The mistake I made though, was dismissing the self that likes to be alone majority of the time and becoming a social butterfly, this happened at a really young age so surely it was hard for me to notice right? Right! lol.

I think there’s multiple reasons as to why I have recently just folded myself in and taken off my portable social wings for longer periods of time, however there is one reason that overshadows the rest. Losing trust and confidence in myself…confidence she says? Yes confidence, forget what I put out to you guys and no I’m not talking about confidence in my physical appearance rather I’m speaking mentally/psychologically and even spiritually if we are being totally honest. I made so many bad decisions in the past and gotten myself in stupid situations that I always needed to be bailed out of and bless my mom, she has always bailed me out but at the same time I do feel she finds it hard to understand me. She feels she does, she really does believe she gets me more than I do myself but that’s not the case, however that isn’t a bad thing because its not for her to get or understand but for ME to get. I needed to be the one who understood me more than anyone else but less than God, though many times I didn’t and I passed the baton as if it was someone else’s job.

Me, messing up though was not a door I opened to receive criticism from people especially from the ones that matter most to me, it was just simply that…messing up. Doing thing and getting bailed all the time enabled me to be lazy and always seek assistance. It got to the point I started to doubt myself and my judgements on what was best for me. It started with picking my subjects in A-levels, how I always jumped from one subject to another and if it didn’t fit in my ‘smooth sailing’ plan then it wasn’t for me. It then moved on to my Uni course, I picked my first course because I was told I’m good at maths and sciences and I great at practical tasks. I wasn’t feeling it though, it didn’t stir up the fire I was expecting it to, so I did what I did best I changed course…nothing changed. I was excited for the first month just like my first course but it was all a drag and it wore me out. I just gave up! When I did finally throw in the towel, I prepared myself to get the bashing I always get…reminding me of my past mistakes and how I always mess up and what was wrong with me, am I stupid blah blah blah. It happened so often that my mind and heart became sponge like and began to soak in everything that was said to me about me and I started to believe ‘I was a good for nothing waste of space.’ Hard for you to believe eh, yup I know I hid things well.

This really messed me up and only these last two weeks when I dropped to the bottom again, and almost throwing in my final towel, I realised if I want to live, I need to really really push myself. Some people reading this will be like “What? No she’s always smiling, always full of energy” “she’s got so much going for her” “she’s talented” (not tooting my own horn, if you know me personally then you will know why this is said.) I usually hate when I get excited about something because I knew I was never going to push through with it because I was scared of failing. See not failing in front of myself, I had done that so many times, but I was afraid of failing whilst people were watching as they had never seen this. Yes I went through really hard times and even contemplated suicide (long time ago, nothing to worry about now. I’ll just wait for my time.)

There’s many times I feel like a hypocrite though, because when people come to me for help I tell them ‘Man cannot be an island, you need people around you’ ‘believe in yourself even when others do not’ ‘your opinion of yourself is the most important’ yet I never stuck to those. Just last week I was in bed crying my heart out and asking “Why is it that I can help people but I can’t save myself?” 

I got my answer on Sunday during church service when I was being prayed for.

“You are exhausted!”

I never expected that just these 3 words would hit me the way they did. See I was so focused on making everyone believe I was all right and always wanting to be there for people and helping them out forgetting about myself. I neglected myself so much, I had to hit the bottom again for this to come to me. I was so broken yet I never once showed my brokenness to anyone, I mean I have spoken to a couple of friends about it but not the full extent of the damage, but I always kept a shining exterior for all to see whilst I was crying out for help inside. I was exhausted of holding myself together all the time to save face. Another thing was I was angry at myself, I felt that I had failed myself and most importantly to me…I felt I had failed God. Just last week I was telling someone to forgive themselves first yet I hadn’t done this fully. I thought I had but really I was only fooling myself. On Sunday I had to forgive myself, otherwise I was going to damage myself. I had to pour it all out at is feet and give myself wholly to him, I felt so refreshed after I did this.

8e8bba855e7829e013d4342468a2bddfWhat’s my point in sharing this you say? Well I know they are other people out there like me who can’t seem to dig themselves out of the pits they put themselves in. I’m well aware that not everyone who reads this believes in God, but I do and I say that He really has changed my life and saved me many many many times. If not for Him I would not be here right now that’s for sure. Many times we are always helping other people, tending to their needs forgetting about our own. I urge everyone who reads this to make sometime for yourselves everyday, it’s so important. Don’t neglect yourselves, you are precious being who have a purpose and unless you are 100% your purpose will not be fulfilled. I have told myself I will begin to enjoy life, do the things I love to do and to believe in the choices I make. To not stagger at the sight of failure or danger but to rise above it, to open myself up and not keep in stuff (not necessarily speak to a physical being, for me it’s prayer.)

You are powerful, you are beautiful, you are courageous, you are blessed, you are loved, you have a peaceful mind.

M.B.C. x

 

 

 

 

Why I write

jurnalI was inspired to write this after reading a post of one of the bloggers I follow, who is absolutely inspirational may I add. She wrote about why she began to write and why she still writes. The more I read, I began to ask myself the same question, Why do I write? I have been wanting to write this for quite some time now but I couldn’t bring myself to doing it because when I think about why I do write I find myself in a strange place.

So here it goes, let me tell you exactly why I write.

I write to escape, when I write I go to a space where no one knows. I feel at ease there because I don’t have to hide, it’s not so much a physical place but obviously a certain physical setting does aid. Here I am totally open in every way possible, it’s refreshing yet sometimes lonely. I write to release repressed emotions, I’m not so good at talking about my problems or what is going on in my life so I turn to writing. If I am struggling, I tend to turn to writing because it offers me solace, it allows me to clear my mind temporarily to allow for space to find logical solutions to the problems. I write to communicate, because I am not so great at talking about things, writing is the best way of communication for me. I am able to get everything I wish to say out not missing anything, though I must admit it is often misunderstood. I write to express myself, it’s kind of the only authentic representation of my state of mind. I find that my writing is kinda maze like though, you need to read it more than once to fully understand what is going through my mind, that is of course if you are trying to figure me out. Writing is like my chosen method of speech. I also write to heal. My writing is sometimes a conversation between my conscious being and my subconscious.

My writing is a personal written representation of my inner most being.

M.B.C x

The ‘HIM’ effect…The End. (Directly to you!)

I-forgive-you-quoteThere was so much going on at that time, so much changing..but you didn’t notice or care. You just thought about you, forgetting what I must have been going through. You didn’t stop to think what state I was in, or maybe that was my fault because I tend to hide how I really feel. I’m not saying I was in love with you but I was content with what we had yet you crushed it so callously like I was some roach that bothered you. I never once asked you for anything, I didn’t ask you for more yet you couldn’t even give me the basic level of respect. It was that night I saw who you really were, wait, maybe that was later. When I heard those words coming out of your mouth, so sharp and cold, like you never knew me. I felt an enormous weight fall on me, I was alone in this. I was stupid to care about your feelings, i came to tell you because I respected you..I felt so stupid. I should have kept silent, just cut off ties with you with no explanation, move town just so that I’d be miles from you, so I wouldn’t see your face.

I went about my way feeling so destroyed, just wanting to self destruct, but I couldn’t because I cared. I took some time to think it over through the night, all that was coming to my head was fear, you were scared I understand. But did you stop to think that I was scared too? Did you stop to think about what was going through my mind? Did you stop to think that your reaction was the most important to me at that time? No you didn’t, you only thought of you. But that’s you right? You come first right? You don’t care about what others are feeling right?

I made my decision, you fired so many fiery darts at me over and over again, never let it rest, made me feel worthless!. You know the more I think about it the more I hate myself because I gave you so much power over me. You spat crass words at me, made me doubt who I was, made me question my morals, made me envisage an act I boldly stand against. What makes it worse was that you did this in the most cordial way possible, that’s what makes my stomach turn.

I gave you my final decision, but I lied. I didn’t carry through i just needed you off my back. You made it worse by believing all the distorted truths people began to feed you. You should have known better, I opened up myself to you, I never once lied to you, I trusted you….and once again in my life I say;

Trust is my greatest foe, I tend to give it too easily.

Tell me one thing though, why is it I dislike you more but yet i still care so much about you? I ask one thing of you…you gave me the greatest pain, you lost me the greatest gift, please let me go and let me live. I’m not saying you are holding on to me, but you are holding on to something, and its blocking me from leaving you behind. At first I didn’t want to be rid of you because you were the only connection I had but now I have fought my demons and I just wish you would make up your mind.

It’s painful every time I see you.

M.B.C x

The ‘HIM’ effect – The growth

i_inspirational_quotes_020_4f730d2f5e0a5When we got home, it was weird but I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy from the club. Hmmmm hold on let’s give him a name hey….lets go with Jason. Now it wasn’t because that night was epic and we had such a great time, it was more of a ‘I’ve seen that guy before’ moment. The more i thought about it the more it irked me. Most times when guys say ‘yeah i’ll holla at you’ or ‘holla at me’ i don’t really pay them any mind, and in this situation, nothing was different. So next day came and we were a little hammered in the morning/afternoon, but nothing a little Chinese meal couldn’t get rid of. We decided to take a walk and kinda just roam around, ‘get some fresh air’ i think was the term we used. We had another party that night so we had to go buy a bottle of alcohol, so that was another reason to leave the house. Got our Chinese and bottle in hand, thinking about it now that bottle should have really only represented me and Sandy like she had said (i’ll save that for another post). Got home, munched on some of that good good then jammed for a little. Kinda waiting for the time for us to get ready because we don’t like getting places early or getting ready and sitting there waiting for time to pass by.

PARTYTIME!! So we ready, was raining outside…Bummer! But that wasn’t going to stop us, we called our cab and got a lil lost but found the house in the end…thanks to the birthday boy. So we get in there was pretty empty, but you know how we like to move on ‘black time’, i don’t understand why we so chill about timing you know. Anyhoo, mixed our drinks and started to enjoy the music and all, the company was great, more people came…I must say it was dope! There’s me enjoying my self, moving to the beat…then jab jab in my arm “Ceecee there’s Jason from last night.” So there i am thinking ‘okay so how is that my business??’ I just ignore and move on with enjoying my night. I’ll explain why i did this, even though i was physically attracted to him and also there was something else drawing me to him, i was not about to draw attention to myself for him to notice i was there or whatever for the simple fact that there was nothing happening between us and at that time i just didn’t give a f*&$ whether he was there or wasn’t. So i got on with my night, he got on with his night..i was heavily unaware of how much of a part this person was to play in my life later on. So i kept getting nudged by another friend most of the night trying to get me to pay attention to Jason, but i wasn’t trying to have it. Party done, headed home and munched on a whole bunch of shit early that morning. Slept and when we woke up it was time for Sandy to leave :(, said our ‘see you laters’ and i went back in and klonked!

Fast forward to about a week I should think, maybe two not sure anymore since i have been trying to block out a lot of this period in my life. I had ended up out and happened to bump into him then later received a ‘hey stranger..’ message, yeah you know them ones lol. So boom started talking again and one thing led to another, spent significant amounts of time with this fella. Now I ain’t gonna tell you the ins and outs of this ‘complication’ because that’s for both of us to know but giving a minor outline won’t hurt. One memory that stands out for me is the first time he spent the night at my house, not in the way you guys are probably thinking, weirdly we spoke loads that night and slept. I really like that and till this day I still cherish that moment, only because I believe that’s who he actually is and not this monstrous being he became or maybe that’s what i just want to believe. That night he was so unlike what I imagined, he was quiet to begin with, I had to tell him to feel free and i’m glad he did. That night was the time i told myself, “just let go and go with the flow, don’t expect anything from him, just have fun.” I applied this and went on the ride…a ride that later cost me so much happiness, but funny i don’t regret any of it. I had loads of fun with Jason, laughed and joked a lot.

They are a few things i do regret about that time that i would do different, and its having certain people around me giving me senseless advice that i foolishly followed.

Then in December it all became too real….He gave me the greatest gift ,yet gave me one of my life’s greatest pains, all at the same time.

M.B.C x

*Decided to shorten it because there was too much detail loool…*

A date with my emotions

20141011_190526It’s cold and raining,

A calming aroma fills the space.

The fresh icy breeze softly kissing my chestnut skin,

Robe slightly drooping off my shoulders,

Skin exposed.

Slow music whispering in my ears softly,

I lay there, eyes focused on the ceiling,

Meant to be desolate but I see your face.

Now my heart is open, exposing everything I had so carefully locked up.

With every song, a memory plays in my head,

Befuddled emotions all around the room.

One minute a smile brushes my lips,

Next minute a tag on my tear ducts, eyes start to fog,

Tears start to softly caress my cheeks,

Tears feel so hot against my ice cold skin.

Stifling cries, chest so heavy,

Holding in so much, can I let it out?

Will you judge me?

I know you can’t see me but I’m sure you can feel it.

Can I call you? Will you comfort me?

Can you hold me tight and not let go?

Can you assure me that everything will be alright?

Can you give me back what I lost?

Something so precious and innocent,

Warm and full of love,

Never got the chance to shine…

What did I do? What did you do? What did we do?

It was’t supposed to be so, it was all supposed to be different.

Back to the physical, curled up in a foetal position,

Embracing the last shreds of my innocence,

Or maybe trying to relieve the very pure nature I once possessed.

M.B.C x