Repossession

I have had a few things on my mind today, I already had a post edited and ready to be posted but I started to write something else that I want to share today.

Monday was a very lonely day for me even though I was surrounded by people, it was so weird but I felt so heavy. I went to bed on Monday night after a long day travelling, I thought I would just klonk the moment I put my head on my pillow but it was a whole different story. That night was one of the very few times I wanted to call someone to vent and cry, I quickly picked my phone up and started to scroll through my phone book. Even though I have a few great friends that would do so much for me I don’t think I have ever called on them in the middle of the night to just cry and talk. I then realised that I am that person for some people but I never really break down in front of people, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to call someone and say “I need help.”

I then put my phone down, curled myself into a ball and cried myself to sleep. Now, why am I sharing this?

giphy

I’m sharing this because I know they are people out there that are like me, they cannot bring themselves to admit that they are feeling broken. Before we continue, it has nothing to do with the quality of friends I have but this might be the case with other people. I have some amazing friends, very few, that I know if I called would stay up and comfort me. It was such a difficult night and I didn’t go to bed till like half 4.

Last night I decided to watch one of my favourite dramas and I laughed so much, it helped me get my mind off whatever I was going through. Even though whatever is happening is still happening I had a break last night and just laughed, I hadn’t laughed like that in ages. I must admit it did scare me a little because I thought..oh snap what’s going to happen now. I felt even though my laugh was so genuine and I truly enjoyed my night, my laugh was masking so much pain.

My sister then suggested I watched something that she was watching at that time (not because of how I was feeling, I don’t speak much you see)  but I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired. Turned my laptop off and plugged my phone in and went to bed. I woke up this morning with an urge to read but didn’t know what I wanted to read but I knew I wanted to find something that made me laugh like the show I watched last night.

So again the question, why am I sharing this?

Well+i+d+think+op+just+wrote+it+like+that+to+_705ebbbdae0c460998454e9c1d7ff4b3

Rather than finding a solution to the issue I keep running away from it and trying to find temporal happiness/enjoyment/good feeling. I finally decided to watch the video my sister suggested, and wow maybe I should have watched it earlier but again I think I watched it at the perfect time.

I watched a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick – “It had to happen.”

It just opened my eyes to the things that have been happening to me. Some because of the bad decisions I have made and some because of other stuff. I can come up with alternative outcomes (shoulda, coulda, woulda), or many reasons as to why some things happened and sometimes even search for reasons why somethings have happened. However in the end it doesn’t matter the reason, what matters is the revelation you get from it.

Revelation is more powerful that reason

Again the question, ‘why am I sharing this?’ Comes up.

images (2)

I’m sharing this to let you know that despite whatever hardship you are going through it’s not permanent. Don’t focus too much on what’s happening and why it’s happening, instead continue to remind yourself you are bigger than your problem. Continue to fight back and look for solutions to the problems you are facing and not the reasons you are facing the problems. Bite back harder!

biteback-red-logo

I know I know, easier said than done right? It is very easy to say but in all honesty, as I am saying this I am still fighting battles and there are days I really want to just give up but my purpose is much bigger and I have to fight back and keep rising.

How bad do you want it? How bad do you want to live? How bad do you want to succeed? How bad do you want peace? How bad to you want happiness?

Answer these questions then put on your armour and go out and take back what is yours, don’t let anyone or anything steal you from you.

God bless

blowing-you-kisses

M.B.C x

Essence…

She stood staring at herself in the mirror,

Wearing a silk robe,

The material cuddling her chocolate figure,

Tagging at the belt she loosened the robe,

Gently dropping it to the ground taking a step forward to be free of it.

Still staring at the mirror yet now bald,

She began to analyse her body,

Her hands reaching up  into her short coiled hair,

A TWA is what they call it.

She calmly moves her hands over her pronounced forehead,

Thick, not your typical shape eyebrows sitting on top her glimmering eyes,

Her big brow eyes staring back at her,

The type of eyes that pull you in,

Lashes a shiny luxurious black..curled as if she had used a curler.

A pronounced nose,

Thick lips, well outlined something like in the drawings of perfect lips.

She then caresses her ears that she always felt were quite small,

Down to her neck..not as lengthy as she’d like,

The deep of her collar bone enough to hold water,

Her shoulders broader that what she liked on a woman,

Her bosom full but not quite symmetrical,

The root of her body image issues.

She paused…eyes fixed on the one part she loathed,

She mutters under her breath ‘if only they were perfect.’

A tear drops..eyes shut she continues,

She moves her hands with great difficulty,

Placing them gently on her abdomen,

She has a love hate relationship with this area,

She loved her ever flat tummy,

But hated her forever there ‘love handles’.

She slowly continues down to her..her scar so clear,

She smiled at the thought of a memory.

Slightly turning to view her derrière,

A round printed behind,

Prints like a tiger..the beauty of it all,

She adores and embraces her stretch marks,

She carries quite a heavy load.

Hips wide like her mother…she loves that,

Thick strong thighs with a cinnamon glow,

Her calves outstanding,

Her feet dainty yet steady.

Resting her palms that she feels quite big over her chest,

Her love for her fingers indescribable.

One final glimpse of her full body,

She falls in love everyday with who she is despite her imperfections,

She’s perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect…if that makes sense.

She grows to love her body as a whole day by day…

Her essence lies within her.